Editor’s Note: I think we’ve established that ESP is not your average
publishing company. To show you just how different we are and how much we care,
we’ve hired a group of expert attorneys to answer your supernatural legal
questions. Are you worried about your daughter’s zombie boyfriend? Is your
vampire secretary constantly late for work? Have you gone hunting and found out
your prey was…not exactly what you thought you were shooting? Our advice column
can help!
I have a question about my wife.
She’s been a zombie for about 18 months now. I have tried to remain a
loving and devoted husband, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. How do I
put this delicately? A man has certain needs. It has been 14 months since
we shared the “intimate relations” that I had become accustomed to in our
relationship. It isn’t that I want or need sex every day, but we haven’t done
it in almost a year and a half!
To make matters worse, she doesn’t
smell very good or change her clothes much, and she seems to have lost interest
in being “hygienic.” And all she really wants to do is eat. But I still have
needs (I still want to make love to my lady!). They aren’t being met, and I see
no end to this. When I try to create an intimate atmosphere or flirt with her
like we used to, she gets violent. She’s gone cold and barely talks to me
beyond the occasional grunt or groan. I would like to save the marriage, but
she won’t go to counseling (the one time I convinced her to go, she attacked
the counselor). I don’t know what else to do. Can I file for divorce? I know I
said ‘’Till death do us part’’ but we’re kind of there already right?
-Frustrated in Atlanta.
