Friday afternoon, Cloudy Scribe and I
took a couple of hours off from World Domination to take in a bit of good old-fashioned
American Cinema: GI Joe style. I mean, everybody needs some downtime, now and then...
In the 110 minutes we spent watching
explosions, subpar dialogue, The Rock (I might’ve drooled a little there), and
Adrianne Palicki’s cleavage (Cloudy definitely
drooled. A lot), we found more than a few flaws with the Real American Hero
sequel... Most of which didn't really bother us. Hell, most of them made the
whole experience better. Here are just a few examples…
There's a hint here about our real problem with the movie, but read on...
[SPOILER ALERT – because you’re
really worried we’re gonna ruin this one for you. The good guys win. Oops, you
probably hadn’t figured that one out yet, had you?]
1. In just the first few minutes,
Jaye (Palicki) shows off her brand new sniper rifle, complete with bullets
outfitted with cameras. Self-aiming bullets! Shoot targets around corners!
Yeah! "When did we get these?" one of the other Joes asks her.
"We didn't... WE did!" she laughs. Special perk for the sharpshooters...
…Wait, what? So you give the gun
with the SELF-AIMING bullets to the soldiers who've proven they can pretty much
already shoot around corners? Shouldn't those go to the guys who can't shoot
the broad side of a barn?... Whatever. Jaye's a badass, and shooting around
corners is rad.
2. Before they drop in on their
ill-fated assignment to recover a nuke in Pakistan, Brother Block (Roadblock, played
by ESP favorite Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson) gives a few words of
inspiration, beginning with, "In the words of Jay-Z..."
Cloudy would've preferred
something from Patton. I was thinking Luda would've been more appropriate,
specifically, "Move, Bitch," but it’ll do. We got nothin’ against
Hova ‘round here.
3. Roadblock cuts a hole in a
fence in North Korea at night... Using metal-melting gloves. The glow should've
given their position away. The gloves themselves and the edges of the burnt
fence hole would create some serious opportunities for singed soldiers, but,
again... Whatever, it looked cool.
4. Cobra Commander puts a hell of
a lot of trust in a crazy fucker with a shitty southern accent named Firefly.
And this Firefly dude's big trick? Exploding insects... Oookay...
5. We love Wu Tang. JZA and RZA
can do no wro-- eff that. RZA as the Blind Master? His stilted, pseudo-Japanese
delivery came off a little racist… Or maybe he was just stoned. Whatever, it’s RZA. We’ll let it slide.
6. Bruce Willis plays Joe, and,
really, can you think of better casting? John McClane SHOULD be the OG Real
American Hero... But, after he shoots the shit out of some Cobra Command fake
Secret Service agents from the bed of an El Camino, Jaye asks him how he's
doing. His reply? "Well, my cholesterol's a little high..." Is that
how GI Joe hits on girls now that he's over the hill? Hmmm...
7. Cobra Commander looks really
goddamned cool, and that line, "Destro... You're out of the band,"
was awesome. Okay, this isn’t a
flaw. We just really liked CC’s style. Sue us.
8. All the countries in the world
have nukes ready to launch at the push of a button in a briefcase, including
the Cobra Command-sponsored missiles-from-space. They all launch at the
push of a button, and not just that. The launches can be aborted, destroying
the missiles mid-flight, with the push of another red button in the same
briefcase. You can literally hit it and quit it... Now, if we were in the
business of world destroying, we'd make it just a little harder, both launching
and self-destructing. That said,
Hit it And Quit It. ‘Nuff said.
This is a movie with a longer
list of stunt doubles than cast members. Bruce Willis stashes an arsenal behind
every cabinet in his kitchen, even under the stovetop of a working gas stove.
The logistics there might be a bit questionable, but who cares? Roadblock and
Lady Jaye never hook up, but I'm sure there are already slashfics I don't even
want to know about there... I can even forgive Roadblock for firing a pistol
owned by General George S. Patton, himself, just a little over head-level
across an audience in front of the POTUS at an awards ceremony...
So what was GI Joe: Retaliation's major flaw? What made me grab Cloudy’s arm
and hiss, “What. The. Fuck?? He did NOT just…” Two words: Trigger Discipline.
The first time Roadblock picked
up Joe's prized, Patton-owned (Pattonted? Heh, sorry. No, I’m not) gun BY THE
TRIGGER, Joe should've pistol-whipped him with it and set him to peeling
potatoes until sometime next year... But he didn't. He didn’t even notice… Then, Roadblock does it AGAIN at the
end of the film. And, AGAIN, Joe doesn’t even flinch. In fact, he smiles proudly and gifts Roadblock the damned
thing.
Naw, man, naw… We’re willing to
suspend disbelief for a lot of things. This is GI Joe, after all. We’re not really looking for accuracy
or believability. Sure, the baddy “Secret Service” agents wear Cobra pins
instead of American flags on their lapels. It’s a bit heavy-handed, but fine,
why not? Hit-it-and-Quit-it missile launches? Sure… But, come on, guys.
Seriously? I mean, I’m no highly
trained Special Forces “Joe,” but at least I know not to put my finger on a
trigger I’m not about to squeeze...
Maybe I should be the next GI
Jane.
Oh, and [FOR REALZ SPOILER] they
killed Duke. We’re really not okay
with killing Duke.
"They killed Duke?! I need a drink." --Cloudy Scribe
But whatever, Fast & Furious 6 is coming out this
summer, along with RED2, and all is
right with the world.
-Spelly Scribe
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