“Two man enter – one man
leave!” It’s time to get some Bartertown action up in this piece. In our Sci-Fi
Character Grudge Match series, each episode we’ll pit two well-loved (or hated)
characters against each other, run you through what we think the fight would
look like, and how we think it would go. If you disagree, let us know. If you
love it, don’t hesitate (we love applause). If you have two characters you’d
like to see go at it, bring it on!
So, for Episode 1: First Grudge, we’ve brought you two ladies you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley…
In the left corner… Hailing
from post-apocalyptic desertworld Australia, known for her amazing hair, killer
comebacks, and impeccable style… Her skills include boxing, creative tank
driving, and a bunch of guns you’ll only ever find in comic books… It’s TANK
GIRL!!!!
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| Yeah, I know. It's the movie version. Don't get your panties in a wad. We'll get to that in a minute. |
And, in the right corner… She’s been called the Mother of the Revolution. The
lady who taught John Connor everything he knows… Skilled with handguns,
shotguns, explosives, and everything Hollywood could pack into a sequel… SARAH
CONNOR!!!!
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| Preppers wish they were Sarah Connor. |
Okay, so how would this
fight play out? If we’re talking bare-knuckle boxing, this is a pretty easy
one. Sarah’s had more hand-to-hand training, and Tank Girl’s just too busy
throwing one-liners to make it out of Round 1. I’d say it’s Sarah with a
knockout.
But we can see bare-knuckle
fights any weekend, anywhere. Sure, not between two comic/sci-fi heroines, but
you get my point. Why not give them the weapons they’re good with? Keeping it
fairly conservative, we’ll give them each a gun, but which one? Most of the
guns Tanky’s got on her in the comic are inventions of Jamie Hewlett and make
better set pieces than weapons (to be read: them don't work). So, for the sake
of choosing a gun that might actually shoot bullets, we’re going to go with
something from the film.
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| Nice light, lady. It goes really well with that fish. |
Both of these films are
pretty artillery-heavy, so we’re gonna match them up with the two most similar
guns shown in each. We’re giving Tank Girl a Winchester Model 1300 Defender
pump-action shotgun, and Sarah gets the Remington 870 Police Combat with
folding stock that she used to almost blow the T-1000 away before Arnold fixed
himself and showed up with the M79 grenade launcher and ends things properly.
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| If she'd had just one more shot... one more... |
So, Sarah’s won two rounds,
but are we gonna leave it at that? Let’s get full-on ridiculous, shall we?
These ladies don’t just have guns. They have bigger, badder weapons than those.
It really wouldn’t be right not to let Tank Girl play with her tank, amirite? I
mean, it’s half her name!
But what does Sarah have to compete?...
But what does Sarah have to compete?...
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| Kinda like having a tank... |
Okay, so, like, strictly
speaking, he’s John’s terminator, not Sarah’s… But we think the kid would let
Mom borrow his toy for special occasions, don’t you?
So, squaring off Tank Girl’s tank against the T-800, we have to assume that the tank is shooting beer can ammo because, well, duh, have you met this chic? The T-800 survived having the living crap beaten and shot out of it. It didn’t even stop coming after Sarah in the first movie until she crushed it with whatever that giant metal-smasher was. In the second, it actually died and then came back to shoot a grenade into the T-1000. T-800s don’t play.
I have to give this one to Sarah, too. ‘Cause if the tank’s smart, it turns tread and runs. Why? Because, “I know now why you cry…but it is something I can never do.”
Winner: Sarah Connor
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| It's okay, Sarah. The '80s were hard on everyone. |
Got a character you’d like to see unthrone the Mother of the Revolution?
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