ESP Goes to the Movies: All of the Reasons Anyone Would Not Want to See Guardians of the Galaxy

So, I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy last weekend... And then I went to see it again two days ago. Why? Because it's awesome. Duh. I thought it was the most wonderful, silly, funny, human, and all around happy movie I've ever seen... I may even have shed a tear or two when that one thing happened...and then, again, when that other thing happened, too. And it was just as great the second time around. Seriously.

Anyway, instead of telling you all of the reasons you should go see Guardians of the Galaxy, here are a few reasons you might not want to. If one or more of the 10 items on this list applies to you, you probably shouldn't go see Guardians. If not, you probably should've already seen Guardians. What's wrong with you? Anyway, moving on (no spoilers. Promise)...

Go see the movie. When you come back, you'll get why this is hilarious.

1. You have a rare disorder, and your doctor has told you that laughter is not, as was originally thought, the best medicine, but that it will, in fact, kill you. Even a chuckle.

2. Your parents were killed by raccoons. When you were 7. In front of you.

3. You break out in hives when you see Benicio Del Toro (but, really, he's not in that much of the movie, so you should probably suck it up and be itchy for a little while).

4. You hate fun.

5. Pretty green ladies stole your lunch money and gave you wedgies when you were in elementary school.

6. Talking trees give you panic attacks.

7. Fun '70s and '80s dance tunes remind you of your dead parents. The ones that the raccoons killed. In front of you. (That really sucks. I'm sorry.)

8. Chris Pratt continuing to be adorably goofy, despite his rock-hard abs and newly chiseled jawline, gives you rage issues. (Chill, dude. Your girlfriend is not leaving you for Andy Dwyer. I mean, she might, but April would shiv her with a spork, so... It's gonna be okay.)

9. You can't help but scream, "THE FRESH MAKER!" every time someone says the name Thanos. (Weirdo.)

10. I lied, I can't think of a 10th reason not to see this film. So, if you haven't been scarred for life by raccoons, pretty green ladies, talking trees, the idea of a buff Andy Dwyer, or your inability to laugh... Why haven't you already seen this movie?

Sci-Fi Character Grudge Match: Sarah Connor v. Tank Girl

“Two man enter – one man leave!” It’s time to get some Bartertown action up in this piece. In our Sci-Fi Character Grudge Match series, each episode we’ll pit two well-loved (or hated) characters against each other, run you through what we think the fight would look like, and how we think it would go. If you disagree, let us know. If you love it, don’t hesitate (we love applause). If you have two characters you’d like to see go at it, bring it on!

So, for Episode 1: First Grudge, we’ve brought you two ladies you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley…

Our Editor Wants to be an Action Hero

This is the first column in a series that ESP is doing in collaboration with House of Tactical's Feminine FirePower(tm) brand. We'll be following our editor-in-chief as she maneuvers through competing in defensive pistol matches and maybe even shooting some big guns, too. Check it...

Let’s start this thing off right, shall we? I’m Amelia. I’m a writer and editor. I deal in fiction, ad copy, and hilarious tweets and Facebook posts. I’m also a pretty big fan of the right to keep and arm bears… I mean, wait, crap… Anyway, I like guns and amendments and stuff, but I’m actually a very new shooter.

...which should be pretty obvious by this grip. This has been fixed. Don't hold your gun like this, y'all.

When Someone Told Our Editor that Science Fiction Was Dead...

A little less than a year ago, I went on a first (and only) date with a guy we’ll call Mr. Downer*. Mr. Downer met me for drinks at a bar near my apartment. After initial pleasantries and a drink order, he asked me to tell him a bit about ESP. I told him that we’re a new kind of science fiction publishing company and begin to tell him a bit about one of our projects.

Before I could get through just a few sentences about giant killer robots and forecasting themes in society, he stopped me with a wave of his hand. Mr. Downer had heard enough to know that my business was going to fail. Why? Well, it wasn’t for bad business practices, and it wasn’t because there’s no space at all in the industry for a new publishing company.

 

This pic is here because I just made my boyfriend watch Barbarella for the first time, and now he cringes whenever it's my turn to choose a movie...