Anyway, instead of telling you all of the reasons you should go see Guardians of the Galaxy, here are a few reasons you might not want to. If one or more of the 10 items on this list applies to you, you probably shouldn't go see Guardians. If not, you probably should've already seen Guardians. What's wrong with you? Anyway, moving on (no spoilers. Promise)...
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| Go see the movie. When you come back, you'll get why this is hilarious. |
1. You have a rare disorder, and your doctor has told you that laughter is not, as was originally thought, the best medicine, but that it will, in fact, kill you. Even a chuckle.
2. Your parents were killed by raccoons. When you were 7. In front of you.
3. You break out in hives when you see Benicio Del Toro (but, really, he's not in that much of the movie, so you should probably suck it up and be itchy for a little while).
4. You hate fun.
5. Pretty green ladies stole your lunch money and gave you wedgies when you were in elementary school.
6. Talking trees give you panic attacks.
7. Fun '70s and '80s dance tunes remind you of your dead parents. The ones that the raccoons killed. In front of you. (That really sucks. I'm sorry.)
8. Chris Pratt continuing to be adorably goofy, despite his rock-hard abs and newly chiseled jawline, gives you rage issues. (Chill, dude. Your girlfriend is not leaving you for Andy Dwyer. I mean, she might, but April would shiv her with a spork, so... It's gonna be okay.)
9. You can't help but scream, "THE FRESH MAKER!" every time someone says the name Thanos. (Weirdo.)
10. I lied, I can't think of a 10th reason not to see this film. So, if you haven't been scarred for life by raccoons, pretty green ladies, talking trees, the idea of a buff Andy Dwyer, or your inability to laugh... Why haven't you already seen this movie?
