ESP Goes to the Movies: All of the Reasons Anyone Would Not Want to See Guardians of the Galaxy

So, I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy last weekend... And then I went to see it again two days ago. Why? Because it's awesome. Duh. I thought it was the most wonderful, silly, funny, human, and all around happy movie I've ever seen... I may even have shed a tear or two when that one thing happened...and then, again, when that other thing happened, too. And it was just as great the second time around. Seriously.

Anyway, instead of telling you all of the reasons you should go see Guardians of the Galaxy, here are a few reasons you might not want to. If one or more of the 10 items on this list applies to you, you probably shouldn't go see Guardians. If not, you probably should've already seen Guardians. What's wrong with you? Anyway, moving on (no spoilers. Promise)...

Go see the movie. When you come back, you'll get why this is hilarious.

1. You have a rare disorder, and your doctor has told you that laughter is not, as was originally thought, the best medicine, but that it will, in fact, kill you. Even a chuckle.

2. Your parents were killed by raccoons. When you were 7. In front of you.

3. You break out in hives when you see Benicio Del Toro (but, really, he's not in that much of the movie, so you should probably suck it up and be itchy for a little while).

4. You hate fun.

5. Pretty green ladies stole your lunch money and gave you wedgies when you were in elementary school.

6. Talking trees give you panic attacks.

7. Fun '70s and '80s dance tunes remind you of your dead parents. The ones that the raccoons killed. In front of you. (That really sucks. I'm sorry.)

8. Chris Pratt continuing to be adorably goofy, despite his rock-hard abs and newly chiseled jawline, gives you rage issues. (Chill, dude. Your girlfriend is not leaving you for Andy Dwyer. I mean, she might, but April would shiv her with a spork, so... It's gonna be okay.)

9. You can't help but scream, "THE FRESH MAKER!" every time someone says the name Thanos. (Weirdo.)

10. I lied, I can't think of a 10th reason not to see this film. So, if you haven't been scarred for life by raccoons, pretty green ladies, talking trees, the idea of a buff Andy Dwyer, or your inability to laugh... Why haven't you already seen this movie?

Sci-Fi Character Grudge Match: Sarah Connor v. Tank Girl

“Two man enter – one man leave!” It’s time to get some Bartertown action up in this piece. In our Sci-Fi Character Grudge Match series, each episode we’ll pit two well-loved (or hated) characters against each other, run you through what we think the fight would look like, and how we think it would go. If you disagree, let us know. If you love it, don’t hesitate (we love applause). If you have two characters you’d like to see go at it, bring it on!

So, for Episode 1: First Grudge, we’ve brought you two ladies you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley…

Our Editor Wants to be an Action Hero

This is the first column in a series that ESP is doing in collaboration with House of Tactical's Feminine FirePower(tm) brand. We'll be following our editor-in-chief as she maneuvers through competing in defensive pistol matches and maybe even shooting some big guns, too. Check it...

Let’s start this thing off right, shall we? I’m Amelia. I’m a writer and editor. I deal in fiction, ad copy, and hilarious tweets and Facebook posts. I’m also a pretty big fan of the right to keep and arm bears… I mean, wait, crap… Anyway, I like guns and amendments and stuff, but I’m actually a very new shooter.

...which should be pretty obvious by this grip. This has been fixed. Don't hold your gun like this, y'all.

When Someone Told Our Editor that Science Fiction Was Dead...

A little less than a year ago, I went on a first (and only) date with a guy we’ll call Mr. Downer*. Mr. Downer met me for drinks at a bar near my apartment. After initial pleasantries and a drink order, he asked me to tell him a bit about ESP. I told him that we’re a new kind of science fiction publishing company and begin to tell him a bit about one of our projects.

Before I could get through just a few sentences about giant killer robots and forecasting themes in society, he stopped me with a wave of his hand. Mr. Downer had heard enough to know that my business was going to fail. Why? Well, it wasn’t for bad business practices, and it wasn’t because there’s no space at all in the industry for a new publishing company.

 

This pic is here because I just made my boyfriend watch Barbarella for the first time, and now he cringes whenever it's my turn to choose a movie...

Scribe Reviews: RIDDICK [spoilers, spoilers, and more spoilers]

“There are bad days, and then there are legendary bad days. Today was shaping up into one of those.”

Yep.

The third installment in the RIDDICK franchise (let’s face it; this isn’t a trilogy)

opens on a pretty familiar scene: A sun-scorched planet, a beat-to-hell Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel, as if I needed to tell you), and instant death under every rock in the desert.

When the Cardboard Guys Shoot Back: A Twist on IDPA with Amelia

If you don't already know what IDPA (International Defensive Pistol Association) is, here's the brief... You go into a course that simulates a self-defense scenario. In the course, you'll find cardboard figures. Some are threats and some are not. Shoot the threats, not the non-threats, and you get a better score. Don't shoot anybody, and/or shoot the non-threats, and you get a worse score. Simple enough...  Well, our friends at the GA Firing Line have come up with a fun twist on the competition. What if -- as in a real self-defense scenario -- the threats actually shot back at you? (In this case, everyone was using Airsoft guns, not the real deal. No actual dead bodies allowed on the range.)

Last night, in the first round of (I hope) a whole series of these force-on-force courses, the good folks at the range set up two stages: one fairly straight-forward and "winnable", the other not so much. We'll get to that in just a moment...

So, let's set the stage. Some of the guys and gals at the range dressed up in padding, protective masks, and cardboard targets. They all had weapons (one particular AR-15 airsoft replica put a lot of welts on a lot of competitors, myself included), but some of them would only hold their hands up -- non-threats -- while others would start shooting at you the minute they saw you...

See those guys in the box-robot costumes? Those targets aren't usually so...mobile. Or...armed.

Spelly Goes to the Movies: THE WORLD'S END

Would you keep drinking to the end of the world?

Well, would you? Do you have what it takes, kid?

The final film in Edgar Wright's end-of-the-world trilogy, THE WORLD'S END pulls together so much of SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ; it’s not even funny… Wait, no. What’s the opposite of that? Oh yes, it’s REALLY funny.

How do I put this without spoilers? Well, let’s see…

Simon Pegg plays Gary King, the former leader of a youthful crew of punkass rebels who, 20 years ago, attempted a 12-tavern pub crawl. To hear him tell the tale, it was the best night of all their lives. Half true. It was the best night of Gary The King’s life. The first we see of Gary, he’s telling the epic tale…in a meeting in rehab.

Cut to Gary convincing his four former compatriots – Oliver (Martin Freeman), Steven (Paddy Considine), Peter (Eddie Marsan), and Andy (Nick Frost) -- to go for it one more time, to go hometo Newton Haven, to make it happen. As he makes the rounds, though, we find they’ve all grown up. They all have jobs, wives, maybe ex-wives…

Through his schmoozing and truth manipulation, as you might have guessed, Gary convinces all four of them to meet him to re-attempt The Golden Mile – making it to The World’s End pub…. They meet at 3:00 sharp at the station, and, of course, Gary is almost an hour late, but he has an excuse. Because Gary’s never wrong.

That’s about as far as I can go with the plot without spoilers, so I’ll say this before the break (where you will most definitely get some SPOILERS AHEAD), but I will say this before then… It was a real pleasure to see Simon Pegg play the delusional, gung ho (misled) dreamer and to watch Nick Frost as the unwilling badass. This really is Frost’s moment to shine.

Now, on to the SPOILERS…