#2 - Remedies for the Supernaturally Afflicted: The Superhero Edition

We’ve noticed a trend in the questions coming across our supernatural law expert’s desk in the past few weeks. We’ve seen a great decline in issues with zombies, virtually no vampires or werewolves. We did get one very interesting question about the Blob, but we’ve gotten so many questions concerning issues with superheroes that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire issue of Remedies for the Supernaturally Afflicted to these issues. Maybe it has something to do with the impending release of Iron Man 3. Maybe it’s all a coincidence. We may never know, but what we do know is demand. And we’re more than happy to supply...

1. A superhero in a gold and red suit (I can’t say for sure, but I think it was [NAME REDACTED]) got into a fight with a self-proclaimed super villain. The “hero” threw my car at the “villain.” While that stopped the fight, I am now stuck riding the bus to work…

On Foot in New York

It's this guy, isn't it? You may not have a case...

I must assume, from your distressed tone, that you did not have comprehensive insurance on the vehicle. If you do, you need to get in touch with your insurance company. Did you take pictures of the accident? Fortunately, your case is fairly high profile. If the published media pictures of the vehicle are not detailed enough, you should contact your local news outlets. I’m sure they will be more than willing to supply you with the photographic evidence your insurance adjuster will need for the claim.

If you do not have comprehensive insurance, you will need to file a police report on the accident and pursue a civil case. Unfortunately, this is not a straightforward case. Without a police report stating fault at the site and time of the accident, you will need to gather evidence and witnesses... But here’s the kicker. You’ve stated that you think the super hero who pitched your car is [NAME REDACTED]. I would, if I were you, be very careful in pursuing someone you only suspect to be the man who totaled your car, especially someone with an entire law firm on permanent retainer. I’m sorry to say it, On Foot, but you may be on foot for a while longer. But, really, who drives in New York, anyway? You probably need the exercise.

2. My son has super powers. I first realized this a few years ago when we were playing catch. I threw the ball too hard, and he just blinked right through the back fence and got the ball. Poof -  in and out of the yard. We’ve talked about this a bit over the years, but he doesn’t even think it’s strange. It's not just teleportation, though. He walks through things. And he admits that he has to concentrate pretty hard not to pass through barriers. To fit in better at school, he uses the doors, but he has to work to grip doorknobs without reaching right through them.

My problem is, he’s started dating, and I know sex is just around the corner… If he uses protection during sex, does it even matter? He has a hard enough time not passing his hand through doors and tables. I can’t imagine him concentrating on staying inside a condom when he’s...distracted.

I know he has a bright future in Special Ops or working for the CIA. I just don’t want it derailed by an unwanted pregnancy.

Worried Dad in Cincinnati

Maybe you should suggest his dates play this game...

This is a touchy one. The Birds and the Bees talk is never fun, but it's part of growing up, and, as embarrassing as it may be, it's necessary for every teenager, even those without your son's...issue. Legally speaking, the only way I can think of to ensure against unwanted pregnancies or law suits upon the reception of a venereal disease would be to draft a binding contract between your son and any potential sexual partner. In this contract, your son's condition should be clearly stated, and the girl should be held accountable for proper contraceptive use on her part. Make sure your attorney includes in this contract that your son and your family have no legal responsibilities to a child produced through lack of foresight, improper contraceptive use, or contraceptive failure.

However, we all know teenagers and impulsiveness. I cannot legally advise you to tell your son to pull out, as this is an incredibly ineffective method of birth control. Have you considered a chastity belt?

3. I live next door to a person I think is a super hero. He never uses the stairs. He is up at all hours of the night, and he seems to spend a ton of money on spandex and dry cleaning. If he is a superhero, I think he poses a threat to the building. What happens if a villain comes looking for him and mistakes his place for mine or just decides to destroy the whole building? I feel all the tenants are at risk. There is nothing in the lease, but can’t we make him move, for our safety?

Good Neighbor? in Baltimore

What a douche. Get this guy evicted, for sure.

You may be in luck! In Maryland, the District Court states, "A tenant has the right to quiet enjoyment of rented property, free from persistent noise or ongoing disturbances caused by the landlord or other tenant(s)." If you can bring proof of disturbances and/or threats related to this tenant, you should present them to your landlord. Your landlord will then serve your neighbor with a cease and desist notice. If he cannot discontinue acting as an alleged superhero, he will be evicted, and you can rest easy in the knowledge that super villains will most likely leave your building in peace.

That said, should you find yourself in the clutches of a super villain after your neighbor has been evicted, he may be less likely to rush to your rescue.