#3 - Remedies for the Supernaturally Afflicted: Evicting the Blob and Dating a Succubus

We have a very special edition of “Remedies for the Supernaturally Afflicted” for you today! While we only have two questions for you, we feel that they’ll more than suffice. Both questions hail from our own favorite city of Atlanta, Georgia (whatcanwedoforya?), and both have, let’s just say, some... legal ambiguities...

1. I have a big problem. And i mean BIG. My house has been taken over by what i can only describe as a "The Blob." 

So, I just moved into my first house, everything was going great until i got all moved in and finally got a chance to use the shower. I saw something work its way out of the drain, then it popped the screen and a reddish, gooey tentacle came out and made straight for my foot. 

So I make it out of the shower and the thing* kind of went back in the drain.  I went underneath the house and he was all up in the crawl space, I barely made it out of there too.  i found out later that before i bought the place, nobody was in there for over a year. So, i'm thinking he's just like a squatter, except he's a The Blob, so then i call the cops. 

Well, the cops tell me they really can't do anything if he's not being violent at the moment -it's not like they can taser the dude and drag him out in cuffs - so he's got to be legally evicted. First, i'm thinking: why are they treating him like a regular squatter, right? So the next day i call my agent, which leads to the lawyer telling me to go downtown and get everything documented…and it turns out that in the time the house was empty, The Blob moved in and he paid the fucking property tax for 2012! there's a check for $1,900 signed "The Blob" in county fucking records!

So I'm begging you guys, please help me. there's no way this guy gets "squatters rights" and there's no way i'm giving up my house, but I'm not staying there for fear that he absorbs me at night or something.

Sincerely,

Sleepless in Atlanta

"Come at me, Bro!"

Dear Sleepless,

The ESP legal team is on top of this for you, and we have some suggestions, but you need to take action immediately. 

First, your lawyer was right in advising you to document everything. Keep him in the loop, he's your best choice right now.  So, the "tentacular probe" in the shower may be written off as an exploratory measure by your The Blob, even if you feel he could have dissolved part of your foot, malevolence cannot be inferred. This also applies to your escape from the crawl space.  

Now, you need to find out when the last resident left (or was absorbed: look to the utility companies for the most recent bill paid), and establish a timeline. If he paid the taxes, he's not a trespasser -- past 30 days he's an actual squatter. File a repossession claim and then present it to The Blob. Since you can't physically evict him without risking your life, you need to make sure that local law enforcement is on hand every time you deal with him in person.  After the repo notice is filed, they have to be the lead agency for dealing with this.

Now, we can't legally advise you to do anything else, but... Well, it's a fairly well known fact that most living creatures, especially those of a gelatinous nature, don't respond well to extreme cold... They slow down, like sloths, and -- eventually -- freeze. Should your unwelcome tenant come in contact with, say, some dry ice or liquid nitrogen... Have you ever frozen Jell-O?

2. My girlfriend is a succubus. I

know everyone says that at one point or another, but my girlfriend actually is. I opened my eyes the other night when she thought I was asleep, and I swear I saw her bird claws hovering over my heart. I chalked it up to the booze and all, but then I got confirmation yesterday. See, I ran into one of her "ex" boyfriends. Apparently she’s been pulling his soul out too, and he didn't know I was seeing her at all.  He's so messed up now that he works for Park Atlanta and man, and man, oh, man, was he sickly and withered!

We talked a bit, and she's been pulling his soul out the whole time that we've been "together," slowly but surely. She kept us both on the hook and was very patient about it, and who knows how many people she has destroyed over time?

I feel so betrayed. I want to move on, to fall in love again someday, but I'm afraid that I don't have enough soul left...

Is this something that normally happens to succubus victims? Is it permanent? If not, how how long does it take? Can I reverse this and make my soul intact again? i really just want to love someone with my whole heart and get that love back.

Thank You,

Drained in Atlanta

There he goes... Man, NOBODY likes those guys!

Well, Drained, we’re very sorry, but your problem really isn’t of a legal nature. If you are concerned with pursuing a legal or civil suit, you may have a case. However, we’re fairly sure no one has actually set the value of a soul, so we’re not exactly sure if it counts as Grand Theft or not...

If you’re interested in getting your soul back, we cannot legally advise this, but well... You'll probably have to employ an incubus and barter a small percentage of your soul. I know, I know, it doesn’t get the whole thing back for you, and it’s kind of a risk. I mean, when an incubus and a succubus fight... It could level your city. You really have to think about that. Send us a private message if you want to pursue this. We’ll see if we can get you in touch with someone...

The thing is, though, your question caught our attention. It got us thinking. And, well, we’re not experts, but we have a friend (if you can call her that) who is! Please welcome our guest blogger, Ms. Bitch2.0 of The Internet is Dangerous!

“Well, I have to say, I was incredibly flattered when the Scribes approached me for this. I’ve been following them from the start, and Spelly and I are VERY close (we get mistaken for each other all the time!). And while I don’t advertise it on my blog, it should be fairly obvious from my content that I am, in fact, a succubus. So! How do you date a...me?  Here are some tips, gents and ladies.

1. Don’t be too sweet. Sweetness is delightful. It’s lovely. Who doesn’t love to suck down a tall glass of Koolaid on a hot day? Who wouldn’t gobble up a boatload of Hershey’s Kisses if they were sitting in a bowl in front of them? I mean, I know I can’t deny some candy when it's waving in my face. But, well, here’s the thing. Candy rots your teeth. Sweet souls are just like junk food for my kind. We need something with a little more substance. A girl like me will down your soul and toss you aside within three days. That said...

2. Don’t be intentionally salty. I know, I told you not to be sweet, and salty is just about the exact opposite, so you’re thinking, “Got her!” Here’s the thing. Succubi are not dumb girls. We know when you’re trying to play us. We ALWAYS know... When I encounter negs (I’m looking at you, Mystery), frosty texts, or intentional avoidance, I’ll either ignore you completely, or I’ll devastate you and leave you a soulless vegetable... just because you decided to do this the hard way. This ain’t my first rodeo, darlin’.

3. Threesomes (or foursomes) could save your life. If I have a buffet, I’m much less likely to gorge myself on one serving. What? I’m a hungry girl.

4. Hold back, just a bit. One, it drives me crazy when a guy (or girl) doesn’t give it all up at once. Do you KNOW how much it takes not to sleep with me on the first date? I mean, look at me...

"I really don't look like her. I wish she would stop saying that..." -- Spelly

Anyway, it’s kind of an issue for people. Be strong. Be just a *bit* of a prude. I like a challenge. And, two, it’ll give you a chance to consider tip #5.

5. (And maybe the most cogent advice I could give you) Don’t date a succubus! There are plenty of regular run-of-the-mill, totally, hot, normal, evil girls out there who will absolutely make you feel like they’ve sucked your soul out! Go with one of them. Let her rip your heart out. Spend some time moping. Spend some time fucking everything in sight. Tell the next girl you date that you’re, “Just not ready yet.” Then wake up one morning and realize you actually still have a totally intact soul, and you can go find yourself another faux-succubus or even a really sweet, loving girl who’ll make you cookies and play video games with you. Marry that girl. Seriously. Ignore that voice in the back of your head that says you would’ve had a lot more fun crossing swords with a succubus. That’s a one-way trip to hell. The Golden Rule when pitting your soul against a succubus is: There Can Be Only One... And, honey, it’s always gonna be me.”

-Bitch2.0

*Not to be confused with an actual The Thing. Mr. Sleepless is, in fact, still referring to a The Blob.