Thursday, April 11, 2013

#1 - Remedies for the Supernaturally Afflicted



Editor’s Note: I think we’ve established that ESP is not your average publishing company. To show you just how different we are and how much we care, we’ve hired a group of expert attorneys to answer your supernatural legal questions. Are you worried about your daughter’s zombie boyfriend? Is your vampire secretary constantly late for work? Have you gone hunting and found out your prey was…not exactly what you thought you were shooting? Our advice column can help!


I have a question about my wife. She’s been a zombie for about 18 months now.  I have tried to remain a loving and devoted husband, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. How do I put this delicately? A man has certain needs.  It has been 14 months since we shared the “intimate relations” that I had become accustomed to in our relationship. It isn’t that I want or need sex every day, but we haven’t done it in almost a year and a half!
To make matters worse, she doesn’t smell very good or change her clothes much, and she seems to have lost interest in being “hygienic.” And all she really wants to do is eat. But I still have needs (I still want to make love to my lady!). They aren’t being met, and I see no end to this. When I try to create an intimate atmosphere or flirt with her like we used to, she gets violent. She’s gone cold and barely talks to me beyond the occasional grunt or groan. I would like to save the marriage, but she won’t go to counseling (the one time I convinced her to go, she attacked the counselor). I don’t know what else to do. Can I file for divorce? I know I said ‘’Till death do us part’’ but we’re kind of there already right?

-Frustrated in Atlanta.


This is a frustrating situation, indeed, but there is a solution. You have two possible courses of action to end your marriage and move on with your life…

Option 1. From what you’ve told me, I assume you have not obtained a death certificate for your wife as of yet. If there is no death certificate, your wife is – in the eyes of the law – still technically alive. In this case, you may file for divorce. I doubt she will have the capacity to hire her own lawyer or build a case to contest the proceedings. An uncontested divorce generally takes little more than appearing before a judge, signing some paperwork, and paying a fee (about $600 in most states).

The only problem with this option would be her appearance and signature. From what you’ve said about your experience with the marriage counselor, obtaining her signature -- or even getting her to the courthouse -- could be problematic. If you can dangle the carrot (brains?) of freedom before her, this is a fairly clean means to separation.

But, as I said, that is not your only option...

Option 2. As a zombie, your wife is, from a medical standpoint, deceased. If you can obtain a death certificate, no divorce will be necessary, as you will be considered a widower (my condolences). Obtaining the certificate should not be difficult. You will need to contact your municipal coroner. He or she will instruct you from there, come to your house, and verify that your wife has no pulse and may be considered deceased.

Both of these options are legal and binding, but they do both leave you with a fairly significant problem. As she is still ambulatory, your wife is obviously not at rest. And, as you’ve said, you care a great deal about her. I fear simply setting her loose to fend for herself would be very painful for you. You would have to either turn her out on the streets or keep and care for her as you try to move on with your life.

In one case, you may find yourself worrying about her. Feelings of guilt are pretty common in these cases. You may spend hours every day wondering if she’s finding enough food; if she’s hurt someone else you care for; if she’s found herself at the wrong end of a shotgun or axe…

On the other hand, you’ll have to furnish an appropriate room or cage for her. You’ll have to look out for her care and feeding. Keep in mind, as you try to move on with your life, ex-spouses can be more than a little burdensome on new relationships even when they only show up every now and then. And keeping your zombie ex-wife fed and sheltered in your home is just a bit more involved than running into her at the grocery store.

…Or you could just man up and put a bullet through her head.  Just make sure you call the coroner afterward. Inappropriate disposal of a body is still a prosecutable offense.



Hello. I have a problem with my girlfriend of 8 years. She and I had been living together most of that time, but we had some rough spots, and we’ve been on and off over the past year or so. She got pregnant. We were going do the right thing and get married, but I figured we were common-law at this point anyway. We decided to wait until after the baby was born so she wouldn’t have to waddle down the aisle all big and fat... Well, she had the baby last month, and it was a damn werewolf. I am not a werewolf, and neither is she. It’s not just that the kid was hairy, either. He had the pointed snout and fangs already showing the minute he popped out. I know she has a “friend” that’s a werewolf, and she was spending some time with him while we were “apart.” It don’t[sic] take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened. So, how do I get out of this whole thing now? I don’t want to lose half my stuff, and I’m not worried about the paternity test at this point. And I ain’t[sic] raising no werewolf baby, either!

Thank you,
Maury in Wichita

Well, Maury, this could be very simple, legally speaking, or it could be a bit of a mess. Common Law marriage is a little more involved than simple cohabitation. Did you buy the house together, or are both of your names on the lease? Have you filed taxes together? If the answer to either or both of these questions is true, you need to hire an attorney ASAP if you want to walk away with your belongings.  If the answer is no, and you don’t think she’ll hire her own attorney, there’s no need for legal intervention. In this case, it’s time to haggle over who bought the toaster, who gets the microwave, and move on with your lives separately.

There is one stipulation here, though, Maury. Get that paternity test. Common Law children have the same legal rights as children born into legal marriages. If she claims the baby is yours, you need to prove otherwise, or you’re looking at years of child support payments. 

In any case, you’re fortunate that you did not get married before the baby was born. As I informed Frustrated above, even an uncontested divorce costs money. So, congratulations on finding out that your girlfriend was unfaithful before heading down the aisle of legal misery. My advice? Stick to your guns and get this done as quickly and painlessly as possible because, Maury… You are not the father.


Hello. I own a small bakery, specializing in artisanal breads and pastries. Our pastry chef recently became zombified quite by accident, and his quality of work has begun to slip noticeably. I have issued him several verbal warnings and a written counseling statement.  I think the time may be coming when I have to let him go, but I am afraid of a discrimination lawsuit. Please let me know what is the best way to proceed.

A Sticky Situation in Reno

Good news, Sticky! You live in a Right-to-Work state! Unless you’ve signed off on a bakers’ union of your own free will, you may hire or fire any employee for any reason you see fit.  If his zombification is affecting his work, and you have given him written warnings, as you say you have, you are fully within your rights to fire him.

Furthermore, if you are concerned that he may apply for unemployment assistance, which could increase your unemployment insurance costs, simply document your reasons for terminating his employment. It’s best if you can obtain his signature on this document, but, as this is often difficult with the recently undead, a bloody handprint should suffice. So long as your reasons do not include “lack of work,” you should be in the clear.


Do you have a supernatural problem? Send your questions to supernaturalhelp@electricsheeppress.com, and our experts will answer your questions in the next issue!

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