Okay, sheeplings, we get it. By now I'm sure you're all seriously wondering what we're doing here. We're entertaining, sure, and we're witty and adorable (in a ruthless-killing-machine kinda way), but what the hell are we doing? Well, here ya go. First taste's always free. Enjoy...
It's not all selfies of our editor, we swear.
And don't worry. All your questions will be answered... In time.
1. THE GAMES CHILDREN PLAY
IN THE WAR ZONE
Juan Madrigal froze, staring across the fire. The machine drew a long, thin spike, dripping with gore, from Raul’s slumped corpse. Whatever this thing was, it didn't make a sound. Not as it appeared out of the darkness beyond the campfire. Not as it drove that spike-arm through the top of Raul’s skull, into the ground between his legs.
Paralyzed, Juan stared at the dark form. It took a step towards him. He must act now or die. But how had this happened? Why? Just moments ago this had been a normal night. He’d been laughing at old wives’ tales and cooking rubberized MRE “chicken” over the open flame in front of him. What the devil was this thing, this angel of death?
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Interesting concept. I can't help but feel a little deja vu--Orson Scott Card's "Ender's Game" in a cyber world. I'd enjoy reading some more.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Check out our latest post for the next chapter. Let us know what you think.
Delete(I started to write a comment, then hit a wrong key and the page refreshed and my half written comment went bye-bye, so I have no idea if it posted or not -- assuming posts are subject to your review). So I am writing it again.
ReplyDeleteI admit it, I'm a writing nazi. Every time I read something, I can't help but consider ways I feel it might be improved.
Your story has possibilities. The way it changes setting reminds me of Tom Clancy's work. That being said, to me it seems a bit wordy and awkward in places, perhaps due to what I perceive as an excess of progressive tense, i.e. too many verbs ending in "ing". (It's a peeve of mine.)
Take your first sentence for example:
"Juan stopped, staring as the machine drew a long, thin spike, dripping with gore, from Raul’s now slumping corpse."
We have staring, dripping, and slumping. Lets look at an alternative that doesn't use progressive tense.
"Juan stared, frozen with shock, as Raul's body slid forward off the slender, blood smeared spike attached to the machine behind him.
How do you think the two versions compare?
Another issue I have here is the use of present tense, reading it aways feels awkward to me (though in small doses, it can be appropriate). As an experiment, you might try re-writing a paragraph or two of your present tense stuff in past tense and see how it feels. I'm just sayin'.
Good luck.
THank you for the feedback, I really see what you mean. Its so easy to fall into the present tense writing style because that how we envision the stories. I agree though when we take a break from a story and come back to it the present tense in annoying.
DeleteYour re-write using the progressive tense is a pretty compelling example. The sentence seems to grab your attention more. I didn't even realize I was "ing" everything (<-- I just did it again).
Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!